Tomorrow night it will be two years, two years since I lost my best friend, since my uncle killed himself.
See, he was a loner, he didn’t like people, and people didn’t liked him. I guess that made him sad. He loved us, he used to read to me all the time, not children books, books a little girl shouldn’t know about, horror stories, love and heartbreakes, no princes and toads, he hated that, and so do I.
Mom says he was really smart, he used to think he wasn’t smart enough. He thought he could change the world somehow, make it better, but I guess in the end he realized there’s no saving us.
He used to say life’s about finding what makes you happy, and sticking to it with your life. But he never told us what made him happy. He tried to teach me as many things as he could, trying to help me find what would make me happy.
He knew a lot, about a lot of things, he knew about earth and the universe, laws of physics and laws of men, men of old and men of modernity, life in the tiniest forms, and how a lot of things work, even a lot of things a man shouldn’t know, things only ladies know, things about death, and killing things.
He loved us, deeply, but I think no one really loved him. Not like a mom loves a dad, like grandparents growing old, like you love the things you can’t let go. And he knew it, but he never said a thing, not a word. “You take what you got and you make it work” he said when we wanted things we couldn’t really have.
Mom said nobody knew he was sad, he always kept the bad things away from us. But he was always singing sad songs, songs about losing, about lost love, about things we always forget in his silly old guitar.
Nobody could know, because nobody can return a lost soul, it has to find its own way back, a reason to not be lost.
We were not enough, it was too far gone.
And now, I remember something he told me, when we were alone, amongst candles in reading room, late, late night “Dont be like me kid, you’re smart. You’re so smart”.
He said he was smart enough to know the problems with this world of ours, but not smart enough to fix them.
So its all on me, to find ways to be a bettter person, to better this wicked world, to love, to lose, to be happy and be sad, to find the things that escaped from him, all of what that he lost, and all of what he never knew, before I find his footprints, and his rope and noose.